Conrad Renfred Barton "The Red Baron"

After the turn of the century, in the clear blue skies over Germany, came a roar and a thunder men had never heard.

('century' to access profile)

( It's later never sooner... )

The next time the bullet flies keep me out of your mind.

I miss the air, feeling that liftoff as the plane descends into tho the sky. The rumble of an engine. There's less and less to these days, I end up out and around New York than I used to. Moritz likes the walks, it gives him a chance to stretch his legs.

It was a beautiful day, had coffee with one of the family members to my last flight. It was rather heart-wrenching to hear her talk about her daughter. She'd been coming back from a school trip. She stayed in Bavaria and was coming home that day. For a moment I let it get to me, wondered how this mother could forgive me for not landing that plane safely.

But she did.

I must move on.

It's the first time I've fixed a meal on my own that wasn't out of a paper bag. Oddly enough, it's not Red Baron pizza either. Feels a little like my old self coming back. Though, it's still taking some time.

If not for Natalie, I would still be buried under a pile of dirty bedsheets with animal control center banging down my door because that stench they smelled was a dead dog.

I guess I kind of owe a lot to you, dear.

It's been weeks since I've been able to get out of bed. Things that I have caused others, families hurt because of my need to stay away for too long. I miss my country, but the devastation it can cause others makes me feel selfish. I never like innocent blood on my hands. Not only that but I have been terminated, my license is revoked. I may never fly again, unless by some miracle as the Red Baron I have powers that make this all redeemable.

Monday, I actually walked Moritz in the park. I got out of bed on my own will and showered and ate something more substantial than toast.

Yesterday, I felt more alive than I had since the incident. I've been dead for weeks.

[He'd stayed to long in the Homeland, seeing places where he'd grown up, the streets he used to walk in the days of 1917 Germany. Manfred found himself transported while in Germany not wanting to head back to the States.

But he'd stayed too long. Much too long. On that flight back the unseen anxiety hit his gut. It was just the blink of an eye as his plane crossed over the Atlantic. In one breath he was back on New York streets while his plane of 80 passengers went down without a pilot.

When the story hit airwaves there would be few miraculous survivors, and Conrad Renfred Barton counted as among the many lost in the ocean grave. Engine failure, a shortage of fuel, there would be many theories thrown around, none of which could answer for the plane's mysterious failure. Only Manfred would know, and only he would live with the guilt for the days to come.]

Took Moritz for a walk this afternoon. Beautiful day really, would have been excellent for flying. With the other day, flights have been a little slow for this old pilot. I forgot how restless it makes me when there's not as much to do. I was invited for a round of drinks with the gents at the airline, but I opted to stay out. I think I'll read a book and have a nice dinner, even if it is microwavable.

Something's shifting in the air, and I'm not sure what. I haven't had a phone call in days, seems a little lonely.

This week has been a quiet one. Taking a small flight to New Hampshire tomorrow and will be back in time for an afternoon tea on Thursday, not quite the excitement. Small flights like these tend to be over quickly, but nothing to write home about, and talking about the weather seems almost cliche.

Isabella is still snooping around, but I do believe the dear girl is growing restless. While she's not demanding I go see a psychiatrist, she seems to be hopeful for something that my heart has been refusing to go through again. If I ever need to change for anyone, then I'm not the person I claimed to be all those years ago. There's nothing left for her but frustration and hurtful words that as the gentleman I am now, I will not say out loud. She wants company, and I want a little more to hang onto. After Natalie's little pretend night a few weeks ago, I've resigned to the fact that perhaps the ideas of having a family once in this lifetime is one that is better left for the future. It's been a long time, but I've grown patient in ways I wasn't before.

I will not deny that I am looking for a little punch. Every man needs a rush of excitement every now and then. Sadly, I'm not much good at driving anything beyond a plane. It has been a while since I went to the shooting range, perhaps I will take a round or two this week. Something to boost the old spirits.

For Natalie's sake, I do hope that this evening proves to be successful. There's a part of me buried inside that likes proving others wrong. There are a lot of people that would love to tell you you'll never make it in this world, or that any flaws you have make you unsuccessful. I do think I know the meaning of throwing it back in their face, though I may not be quite as arrogant as I used to be. The other guy that used to hate discipline and order has morphed into the now. I would have never held a clean house, or calculated how I make my daily coffee, but it seems those mannerisms have found me more comfortably now.

Yet, I will admit, the deviousness behind this little charade makes that guy smile a little bigger.

If we're going to make this look official, I thought getting you something better than a candy wrapper was acceptable.

Natalie, dear, don't take this wrong. I don't want you to upset yourself.

It was apparent yesterday in meeting with Isabella that some things haven't changed. She says she's just moved back into the city after having left upstate to New Hampshire the last time I saw her. Her job has brought her here, and honestly the whole thing makes me a little disgruntled. After two and a half years she had an epiphany. I'm still not convinced she understands who I am. She said she can deal with it, and come to terms, but quite frankly there shouldn't be any terms to begin with.

I can't deny there isn't some strange wash of feelings, I did almost marry the girl and would have had she not ran off.

Flying into Vermont tomorrow. I hear the landscape is quite breathtaking towards the rural areas. It may be raining when I get in.

Being given the time off to contemplate my worries and frustrations is not exactly the answer to all things. Flying has never been easy after an event such as the one that happened in early June. Getting my hands back on the wheel was a little shaky this week, but I would be quite cowardly to keep letting it eat me up inside. It is nothing permanent, but my heart still goes out to those lost loves and their families.

Moritz has been the happy companion through much of my time away. Such a sweet pup, hard to believe when I found him he was abused and uncared for. Such a pedigree champ, and look at the strong boy he's turned into. Much like his daddy. The red knight flies again.

Natalie, I should apologize for my behavior the other day. I wasn't quite feeling myself, and my anger got the best of me. Dinner on me the next time you let me take you out.

There are somethings that I will never get used to after being around this long. Innocents on my hands is something no man or pilot wish to experience within this life or the next. It's put me in an uncomfortable position for at least as long as my mind has to push through and back behind the wheel.

I've never been one to ask 'why me' but there are times it seems to be a suitable one at best.

I feel cold.

It wasn't the first time. Will not be the last. It doesn't make it any easier.

-----

[A broken message is left for Natalie around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. There is heavy static, loud noises and even a few worried screams in the background if she is even able to make that out. Through the shuffled static Manfred attempts to tell her the goings on, but what she gets from the message can hardly tell her where he is or what's going on.]

"Natalie" a shuffle of static. "Conrad.....I....don't know when...." the sounds increase making the end of his message hardly anything unless she plays it over and over again. "Going down." At that point there is nothing but a buzz of heavy static as his phone kicked out of range, leaving her nothing else.

I wasn't flying when the dark hit, thank God. I couldn't put that many innocents on my conscious if my plane crashed. Natalie, dear, tell me you're okay. That you were not in the air when this happened.

Have to say I'm curious. Shulz old boy, wonder what lessons you give with your pal Snoopy. He never did make it out of that red house without it looking like swiss cheese and my aim. Was always a little better than my landing technique. Two of my favorite quotes:

"I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I’ll be at the airport."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

I knew something pulled me to Denver on the trip before last. A replica of von Richthofen castle in Germany. Natalie you may have some competition for my biggest fan. Had I been able to spend more than a few days there, I would have sought it out. Perhaps when I have settled in with the new airline, I will take a weekend visit. As always with new jobs, it takes others a chance to warm up. The gents have remained fairly casual, and with hopes none of them decide to defile my plane as the previous lot did some months back. I will hold a firm and good opinion of them.

Since my departure, I have heard less from those old friends at the previous airline. One face I would always brighten at the sight of. Natalie dear, did you get the flowers?

[Sent to Natalie's apartment were a bouquet of flowers, which consisted of German Catchfly's or "The Tall Red German", catchfly's also convey 'constant friendship'.]

Taking leave for another flight, this time in Illinois. Here's hoping the weather is much more pleasant to fly in than it was to Denver. This will be my last flight with this airline unless I change my mind now that Natalie actually believes me. Feels kind of strange I must admit, especially now with things laying out on the table like they are.

Natalie, if you don't mind, dear could you watch Moritz for me? I do think this trip is going to last me a week instead of the three to four days like I had first planned for. When I return, there is someone I'd like you to meet with, a friend of mine. If you care to, dear. I don't want to be too forward with you now. Not after everything you're trying to settle with. I'll leave a key, Moritz doesn't do very well with other apartments, and I don't think you would like a wet bed in the morning.

I'll be home soon.